I Was Ready To Give It All Up...
Last month, I was really struggling with some postpartum blues and feeling an overwhelming surge of mom-guilt every time I left the house. I'd come home and bawl because I felt like I missed out, or I felt guilty for asking for someone to watch the girls. For health-related reasons, I had my tubes removed after Delora and was also having physical trouble healing from complications from the procedure and emotionally just not handling it well. Many of you may know, I have always dreamed of a yard full of kids, and for the longest time, I was planning on adopting all of my future children- for health reasons and among other reasons. But then we were blessed with our beautiful first-born, Shania, and then, right after, her beautiful irish-twin sister, Delora. I was on this high, dreaming dreams of having all of these babies, giving birth was scary but I was good at it, I had two beautiful births (even after such awful pregnancies and two postpartum nightmares). But I had been planning on having my tubes removed since I was in high-school. I never changed my mind, life just had other plans for us and blessed us with these two wonderful babies first (cheers to procrastination-right?).
Well, Delora's birth came & went, they removed my tubes- no more biological babies. I sat with it a minute. And then a few weeks. I was alright, sore, in the depths of the typical postpartum healing and sleepless nights with a newborn and an 11-month old.... as the lack of sleep and nightly nightmares started catching up to me, I was coming back off of my second maternity leave within a year... financial hiccups (depending solely on my hubby's income) and still feeling like a first-time mom... pain and anxiety about my body not healing as fast as most (turns out I have some chronic nerve damage- in my stomach and other, err, places- and it's also not great to have back-to-back pregnancies)... I was hit SO hard with postpartum depression and anxiety and rage/ resentment at everybody: my husband for getting to leave the house, at my dog for being a dog?, at my mom for being an empty nester who can travel, my sister for having just a dog, my friends for seeming like they've got it all figured out, at the babies for needing things all day every day, and especially myself for not "bouncing back" like my body did after Shania and for not healing like everyone else seemed to, guilt for not working and for asking for help, and guilt for not enjoying life even when my life is truly great... I needed something to blame besides my own choices and health. I'll be the first to tell any woman I know that they're strong and beautiful and that their body just did something incredible & incredibly difficult and that the toll is normal and only making them stronger.. just not my own self. I couldn’t even fathom those thoughts of encouragement for myself. I had been lost to the deepest parts of PPD.
So I made the extremely spontaneous & emotional decision to tell everyone I was quitting photography. I was done. I needed something to remove from my mental load, fast, and I thought giving up Photography was the answer. Man was I wrong. I, again, sat with my choice for a minute. I was so sure this was the way out of PPD. But it just sent me into a deeper spiral and my rage got worse, my resentment at anyone who got to leave their houses for work... I was at home, doing nothing but parenting day and night. I was lonely. I was touched out. Exhausted. Still in physical pain, in and out of the ER & urgent care & useless appointments. I was emotionally crushed knowing I had just thrown my DREAMS out the window....
I eventually expressed some of these feelings to a few close friends and family, asked them what they thought I should do. And (thank the gods and goddesses of the universe) they talked me into just taking a break. Because I do love photography. It's the love of my life (after Steven and the girls, of course). So, I made a business plan, a balance plan, and announced that I, in fact, am not giving it all up, and that I'm taking a much needed hiatus over the winter (because my regular depression hits worse in winter time and I hate the cold and I hate driving in it even more) so I'm giving myself the time and space to keep learning how to be a good mom to two little girls and to get back to being a loving & happy wife, as happy as PPD can allow me to be, anyway. I'm trying. I'm noticing when I'm being resentful or angry and actively finding other ways to communicate my needs. Hormones and exhaustion can do crazy things to a woman's body & mind. It was a scary and emotional time. And I'm not saying I'm 100% better.. but my head is sitting a little straighter and my heart is floating between all of the things I love. I'm making sure to get out of the house once or twice a week, to get outside daily with the girls, to try to be affectionate and silly with my lover, and to keep my mind focused on the dreams that
I.
WILL.
NOT.
GIVE.
UP.
Don't let me do that again, you guys. It broke me.
No, it cracked me. I cracked. Really. And my family, friends, husband, and baby girls truly picked up my pieces. To you guys- thank you, I needed you most. My village showed up, and that made all the difference.
And to my clients, I am so grateful you're still here, still reading (maybe), still cheering for me and my dreams from your homes. I look forward to spending time with you all, hanging with your families, creating art and memories. You guys keep me going, too. 𝓨𝓸𝓾'𝓻𝓮 𝓶𝔂 𝓲𝓷𝓼𝓹𝓲𝓻𝓪𝓽𝓲𝓸𝓷.
And if anyone, ANYONE, is struggling with postpartum depression, anxiety, rage, resentment (I didn't even know PPR was a thing), I'm here to talk. I'm a safe space.
Otherwise, please discuss it with your doctor. It truly can be dangerous. I am blessed enough to have a village around my little family, I know many aren't so blessed.
I'll be your village.
Xx Sierra K
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SAVE THE DATES
October 1st, 2023 - Black Friday Sale is Live & Books Open for 2024
May 17th - June 22nd, 2024 - Full Session Sunset Availability : Wednesdays - Saturdays
September 13th - October 26th, 2024 - Full Session Sunset Availability : Wednesdays - Saturdays
October 1st, 2024 - Black Friday Sale is Live & Books Open for 2025
☆I will book sessions outside of these dates ONLY for current-client ceremonies and for those of you who snatch a Bump-To-Baby Package.
☆Black Friday Sales are going to be my ONLY sales from now on. So be ready to book! Email list gets acces THE DAY BEFORE!! If you haven't yet, be sure to join! Every special or mini goes to that list for first dibs! https://sierrakurthphoto.myflodesk.com/
☆If you want to place a deposit now on a date for 2024, $150 is the minimum. Pricing is on my website (liked below). Join the email list for pre-sale access & I'll put you first in-line for those '24 dates and contact you September 30th to pick out yours. Contact will be made in the order deposits come in.
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