We've got this.
The floor creaked
And the toddler woke.
*sigh*
Her eyes are soaked.
We rocked,
We cuddled,
Both crying ourselves a puddle.
The clock ticked by,
And back to sleep,
She sighed.
Tip toe or die,
Quiet and quick,
I'm closing the door
When the door knob clicked.
Another hour of shushing,
An hour of huffing.
An hour of accomplishing
Plain ole nothing.
She didn't want hugs
Or cuddles or books,
She just wanted to not be tired,
To stay up for good.
But it's after ten,
And four a.m. comes soon
When her little sister's teeth
Are cutting in, too.
I sit in the chair,
Lay on the floor,
Stare at the ceiling,
The walls and the door.
How freaking boring,
And exhausting, and fleeting,
To spend hours and hours
Just not quite sleeping.
Doing everything and nothing,
So much and so little,
Wishing things would speed up, and slow down..
I'm stuck in the middle.
Slow down, slow down,
Guilt chokes me, constant.
Am I doing enough?
I just feel incompetent.
Two babies, two hands..
But that mom has four;
I yearn for another,
What's one more?
Mom-hood is crazy,
We're burnt-out and stressed;
I can't keep up,
I forgot to get dressed!
This food is toxic,
This boundary is wrong!
I'm tired of dancing
to this condescending song.
Carcinogens in our soap,
Metals in their rice;
Why in the fuck
Can't the country check twice?
My mind keeps spinning
I'm dizzy and wore,
I swap out one toxin,
Then learn of six more.
Humpty dumpty is me,
I'm broken on this floor
Still wondering if I'll ever
Make it out that door.
This nursery is cozy,
But it's also really lonely,
I'm in here a lot,
With nothing but my thoughts.
I know I'm rambling my feelings
And my feet are asleep,
I'm so very tired,
Reminding myself: babies don't keep.
Next year will be better,
Different hards, but maybe more sleep;
They'll both be running,
Then maybe together they'll sleep.
Maybe less crying,
Or maybe there'll be more?
I don't know, but
I'm ready to, again, try for the door....
To all the mamas putting your littles to bed after a long day of loving, swapping, learning, failing, trying, attempting... I see you. I am you.
We've got this.
